Hate and Tournaments Go Hand in Hand
by Soliloquium
Summary: Sougo finds an ad about a tournament. Made when the idea popped up out of nowhere. Constructive criticism and flames if you feel like it. Some OOC-ness.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Ha."-talking

_Ha.-_thinking

"Ah, Sougo," said Hijikata as he reads the newspaper while drinking his coffee. "Here's something you may enjoy."

Okita looks up from making his straw doll. "Hah?"

Hijikata shoves the newspaper into Sougo's stomach and pointed at the ad.

TOURNAMENT OF PAIN

Do you want to fight just for the fun of it? Do you enjoy seeing people twist in agony? Then come to the Kabuki District Arena this Friday to battle out with strangers! The winner of the tournament will face off with Yorozuya Gin-chan's Kagura! Be there when it happens.

"Hmm. Today's Friday, but I have to watch that soap opera by four today. Hijikata, tape it for me or I'll tell the whole world your secrets and send pictures of you to all the girls in Edo."

"You've done that already."

"Then I'll murder you while you're sleeping."

"Been doing that for years."

"I'll give you a picture of the Yorozuya boss when he was a kid after I come back."

"Deal."

Okita grabs his sword and walks out of the door. _A tournament where I get to fight China, eh? Well, it's good exercise, _he thinks as he walked toward the arena. _I can finally defeat her and and humiliate her afterwards. Nobody ever said that double profit is bad since I get to humiliate her and she gets to get humiliated. We both profit. _

…...........................................................................................................

A/N: And so ends chapter 1. I might update later if I'm too busy or I run out of ideas. Please review. Constructive criticism or flames if you feel like it.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama. Hideaki Sorachi wrote it so well that even if I did own it, it would disappear into darkness like expensive sushi amongst poor people. OOC-ness since I can't seem to get the character personalities correctly.

Chapter 2

"Everyone, welcome to the first ever Tournament to the Death," Gintoki says with a bored voice into a microphone. "I take it that most of you already know what this contest is for, so continue while I enjoy my parfait in the background."

"Ah, sorry, everyone," Shinpachi snatches the microphone away from Gintoki. "The judges of this contest are Gin, Umibouzu, and myself. There are no weapons allowed in the tournament except hands. The matches are on the bulletin board, and we'll start in five minutes.

Five minutes later...

Three hours later...  
Two hours later....

"Oi ," Gintoki says. "Why the heck did those lines mention hours when clearly only a few seconds passed?"

"The author didn't want to bother writing five hours worth of chapters that are deemed useless and she's too lazy to include all of the references that will be included in the fights."

"Wouldn't that make the author a person who fails to even write extra chapters for any reader out there who actually reads this fanfic?"

"Well, according to this card that says our script, we're supposed to say that next is the fight between Kagura and Okita, and that the Umibouzu left to fight an alien that is attacking a planet whose name is too long to be pronounced correctly."

"Again, a sign of laziness?"

"Yes, Gin, a sign of utter laziness. And we don't even get paid for this."

"What?"

"The author of this fanfic is too poor to pay us, so she's offering to buy you a chocolate parfait a day for a whole week, which you accepted without consulting the rest of us."

"Ah."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'AH', YOU BASTARD!" Shinpachi screams. "INSTEAD OF WASTING OUR TIME HERE WE COULD BE EARNING MONEY FOR THE RENT! KAGURA AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FRICKIN' PAYCHECK YET!!! MY SISTER'S GONNA KILL ME!"

"Calm down, Shinpachi. You're being as tense as a high school girl who forgot to put on makeup on prom night. Anyhow, the next chapters going to be the big fight against Kagura and Okita, so this entire chapter was a waste of time."

….....................................................................

A/N: Like he said, it's a waste of time. I chose to not include "-san" and "-kun" to distinguish this as an English fanfic and to not inter mix this with the original Gintama concepts. Please review. Constructive criticism or flames if you really feel like it.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:I don't own Gintama. If I did, it wouldn't even come close as Sorachi 's Gintama. OOC-ness since I can't really get the personalities correctly.

And the Match Starts......

"Ah, everyone. This final match would be much different from the other matches," Shinpachi says into the microphone. "Okita, our finalist, and Kagura, the Yorozuya's fighter, are able to choose their weapon of choice. Manual weapons only, Okita," he said this as Okita pulled out a bazooka from hammer-space. "Since we already know these two, we've already given Kagura her umbrella and Okita a bokken. And now-"

"We discuss the awards," Gintoki takes the microphone from Shinpachi. "The losers who failed against Okita get nothing. We don't care how injured or close to death you are, since you've already signed the liability form. If Okita wins, Kagura will be his slave for a week. If Kagura wins, Okita treats us to food for a month. Deal?"

"Deal," Sougo and Kagura say simultaneously, glaring at each other.

_Slave for a week and I get to beat her to death? Double profit._ Sougo thinks to himself.

_Free food? Now I can eat all the rice and eggs I want! And I get to beat the stupid sadist to death. _Kagura 's already imagining the furikake in her mouth.

"And with a bang from this gun, the match starts." Gintoki takes out a gun with a strange design and aims at the sky.

**Bang.**

Gripping their weapons tightly, Kagura and Sougo fly towards each other to the center of the ring.

…..............................................................................................

Okay, hate me for this. I'm just here to address a question. Where did that bullet that Gin shoot go? In fact, what happens to all the bullets that people shoot into the air? Normally, they fly up, zoom back down to the earth, and hit the head of some unfortunate soul who is just unlucky, 60% a salary man who's gotten fired from work. If you've been paying attention to the line about 4 lines before the dotted line, there's a description, however vague, about the gun, which would have its origins delved later on. So where did that bullet go?

HIGH IN THE SKY OF EDO.....

"Hey, old man," the stupid prince says. "Why are we in such a flimsy boat when we could've used a stronger one?"

"I don't know, now shut up, Prince Ha-, no, idiot prince," the skinny, green manservant with an antennae coming out of his forehead says.

"YOU WERE GOING TO SAY MY REAL NAME, WEREN'T YOU? YOU SUDDENLY DECIDED TO CALL ME AN IDIOT, DIDN'T YOU? I TELLING MY FATHER!" the stupid prince says.

"Shut up, idiot prince. Eh, the engine seems to be malfunctioning," the skinny, green manservant says while poking at the screen.

"What?" the stupid prince walks from his chair and peers at the screen with the old manservant. And while focusing on the screen, they fail to notice that the boat seems to be tipping. AAANNNNNDDD they didn't notice until a chair crashes into the head of the stupid prince before breaking the windshield and hurling itself outside.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," the amanto in the broken ship screamed as they topple down onto the earth, heading straight into the arena.

BACK ON EARTH...

We now revert to a one minute before the stupid prince destroys the arena with his broken ship. The match already reached its three minute mark. Kagura swings the umbrella with insane strength at Okita, which is parried by Okita, who uses both hands to push the cracking bokken away before shifting the wooden sword into his right hand and striking down at Kagura, which was blocked with the umbrella using one hand. What's interesting is their expressions as they land hits on each other. On their faces were grins of twisted glee, despite their injuries, as if they are enjoying this, which is correct. Kagura manages to get a few cuts and bruises on her limbs, while one of Sougo' s ribs is bruised by Kagura' s umbrella.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," screams something from the sky. Distracted, everyone, including Sougo and Kagura look up. The stupid prince' s broken ship is crashing straight into the center of the arena, where Okita and Kagura were fighting. Before the two could react, the ship crashes into the arena, with Sougo and Kagura knocked out nearby. The injured were taken to the Oedo Hospital.

AT THE HOSPITAL LOBBY

Gintoki and Shinpachi manage to escape unscathed, but Kagura and Okita, as well as the already beaten up competitors, are still knocked out by the crash. Luckily, no one died, so no major charges are pressed to the Yorozuya. The stupid prince, however, had to pay a fine for damaging Kabuki district.

"Gin," Shinpachi says, with a strange expression while he and Gintoki sit in the lobby of the Oedo hospital, "Where did you get that gun?"

"Oh," Gintoki says while picking his nose. "Sakamoto gave it to me when he lost in our drinking contest."

Silence.

Silence.

A single bead of sweat makes its way down Shinpachi 's face.

The silence gets heavier.

And heavier.

And heavier.

"WHAT?!"

…..............................................….....Epilogue.....................................................................

….................................................................................................................................................................................

"Oi, Sougo," Hijikata shouts down the hall. "Where the hell did you get this picture?" Hijikata reaches Sougo's room and slams open the door."

"Okay, now say-" Sougo looks up from the floor. Kagura, who was next to him, had a dog leash around her neck and was on her hands and knees.

"What do you want, Mayora/Hijkata?" they say at the same time. Hijikata slamc the door close and backs away slowly.

"I need to smoke a cigarette," he mutters as sweat pours down his neck.

…..........................................................................

A/N: And the fanfic ends. I realized that this chapter is written in present tense, so I have to change chapter one and two to match the tense. Again, I didn't put "-san", "-kun", or "-chan" for reasons that are listed in the A/N of the previous chapter. This chapter is longer than the others since it has taken a whole plot change from completely Okikagu to barely Okikagu. Furikake is flaked food and is so great that I don't want to say flaked food instead of furikake. Prince Hata is called the stupid prince in this fanfic because I don't like calling him by his real name. Please review. Constructive criticism or flames are welcome.


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